Chapter 5: Nick of Time

Wednesday June 23                         10:00                            Local Subway Station

My hand was shaking, real bad. I could barely hold my phone still. This next phone call was going to determine the rest of my life. My friends wouldn't be in it, my family wouldn't be there and I'd be all alone. I didn't know if I wanted to do this anymore so I pulled out my cell phone to call Mark- he always knew what to say.

"Hello", he picked up right away. Just as I was about to reply and ask him for help, my throat felt clogged. I couldn't speak and I knew if I attempted to do so, I'd only cry and I'm so not one to cry.

"Hello?" He spoke again. I had to answer this time but once I opened my mouth, tears poured from my eyes and I started to sob. It wasn't one of those cute little sniffly-sobs that most girls do, it was more of a wail.

"Cathy?" I had to answer him this time and luckily I managed to squeal a yes. "What's the matter? You ok?"

"I-I don't know anymore, I need help, this just isn't working for me." I sobbed more and more, feeling like an idiot every minute of it.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at the subway station. I decided to go there to call because if i randomly disappeared from home it would be more dramatic than being picked up by someone at the subway station."

"Understandable. Could you wait a few minutes? I want to tell you goodbye in person."

"Sure," I smiled. If there was anyone in the world that I'd want to say goodbye to, it would be him. The next fifteen minutes of my life were the worst. I kept trying to cry in order to release stress, but nothing was coming out. I was frozen, emotionless and depressed. I hated my life and just wanted to die. If i hadn't been so dumb in the first place maybe I'd still be happy. I missed the days where God wasn't a part of my life and everything was all fine. Fine- i guess that's a lie. Life wasn't fine. Without God, my parents would've still divorced and my friends would've still been mad about the whole Bruce-me thing. So why was it that after I became a christian everything started to feel worse? I had to get an answer because if depression is the only thing christianity brings, I wanted no part in it. So I waited the longest 15 minute wait of my life until Mark arrived and answered all my questions.

Chapter 6: Nick of Time

Wednesday, June 23 9:45 pm

I looked down at packed suitcase:
Clothes- check
Money- check
Toiletries- check
I quickly stuffed my iPod into my handbag and then threw myself onto my bed. Great! I had a suitcase, I had a mission but I didn't have a plan. How was I supposed make it out of my house unnoticed, with a huge suitcase.

Bzzzzz! Bzzzzz! Who could possibly be texting me at time. I don't have time for this. Uhhh it was Bruce. What does he want now?!?


Perfect!! I could leave telling my parents I was going to Bruce's and just go to the subway station instead.

I replied to the text, told my parents the plan and headed out the door confident with myself. The Lord provides. I never used to really understand what that meant but after this situation and the whole putting the plan together so perfectly totally proved God's goodness.

I had already passed my street and was walking out of my neighbourhood when I say a figure in the distance. It was tall and I swore I'd see it before.

"Cathy!!" Ummm what was Bruce doing out here?

" hey, thought I'd come out to meet you and walk you to my place cause its kinda dark," aww how sweet. Wait a minute Cathy, you are not going over, you are not going over.

"Oh well actually i can't come over... there was a change of plans." What was I saying? What was the new plan and what could I possibly want to do that was more fun than visiting my boyfriend and not only that, but why else was I walking with a suitcase?

"So where exactly are you headed with that suitcase?" Bruce sounded suspicious.

Lord please help me, Lord please help me I prayed silently in my head. "Umm... well Brittany's boyfriend just dumped her and she really wanted me to come over and comfort her after the break up and I'm really sorry I didn't get back to you but she called me just as I headed out of my house."

"Really? They've been going out for three years now, what a jerk!" My goodness, he had bought it. And this is yet another reason why I cannot back out of this now- I've lied (once again) about Brittany's relationship and once everyone finds out i had rumoured that, they're gonna hate me.

"Well I better get going," I hugged Bruce and then quickly fled down the street in hope of avoiding him before he found out the truth.

There's no turning back,

chapter 5: Inspector Gadget

Wednesday June 22                    3:15 pm          116 Tenth Av. North    Bathroom

They're knocking! They're knocking! I quickly stuffed the bible down my pants and sat down on the chair in my bedroom. I checked myself out in the mirror first to make sure that i didn't look weird or awkward. The men walked into the house with a stern look in their eyes. They slow, very slowly (like to be honest, I thought they were just going to take a quick look around) , inspected the house and everything in it. One of the three men turned and looked at me and I froze. What if he knew? I knew I should've burned the bible! He smiled then asked me what my name was and what school I attended and then the men went out on their way. So I wasn't caught this time, but what about next time, what about next time!! I had to escape to that island. I just could't live here anymore. "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong," I whispered the familiar tune by Building 429 to calm myself down. I stood up and pulled the bible out of my pants and stuffed it in my underwear drawer where I usually kept it. I looked around slowly, eyeing my room and wondering where I actually belonged. Not at school, not at home and definitely not in my community. I had to leave. But to where? That island, that island! Cept, I don't really know where it is. hmmmm.... what was that channel again. I walked out of my bedroom and slumped down onto the couch. Ah, at least something here feels comfortable for once. I grabbed the t.v. remote off the coffee table and i flipped through the channels until i reached the channel I was looking for. The commercial was so real that any idiot would buy it, it was kind of like a lottery giveaway of some sort. The commercial came to an end and a male voice spoke the phone number to call. I quickly grabbed a pen from the coffee table and rapidly jotted the number down on my hand. I was so pumped up- I was gonna do this. Yes, I Catherine Swan, was going to run away. I turned off the t.v and casually walked to my room, picking up the phone from the kitchen table on the way. I was going to do this. Ready or not here I come. 

Chapter 5: Inspector Gadget

Wednesday June 22                    3:05 pm          116 Tenth Av. North    Panic Mode: ON

I just arrived home five minutes ago to hear that the IAC (inspectors against Christians) are going door to door killing anyone owning a bible. Panic mode is definitely on. Now I'm usually a chill, laid back, chillaxed type of person but when my life is on the line and nobody knows but me, i have the right to panic. I know I'm supposed to trust in the LORD with all my heart and soul and mind, as learned yesterday in church, but it's just too hard sometimes because God is bigger than my mind, his love is too much for my heart and he's more powerful than this world. And so i sometimes have a hard time wrapping my mind around what he can do and how much he can control. I really wish i was Marcie (i know it's weird, but it's not like everything else is normal either so, it's alright if i say that). She's brave, bold and strong; everything I've always wanted to be but didn't have the strength to do. I try to hide my problems but behind that face, behind the smile, is a girl crying for help, wanting a way out. So yeah- i need to get rid of my bible. I almost burned it but, to be honest, i couldn't. I just can't bring myself to do something that sinful and horrid. I can't wreck God's holy book- it's the only thing in this world that makes sense. But i can't keep it because i don't wanna die and i don't wanna die!! Sorry diary, I'm getting you all wet with my tears but it's not my fault, i feel so alone and scared right now. 

Today in sociology class we learned that your family is the primary source for emotional support. Mine isn't.

-wait a minute- isn't God considered my heavenly father? And i haven't asked him for advice why? Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh God please help me! They're knocking on the door and the bible's in my hand. They're knocking on the door! Mom can't answer, i won't let her. um... i need a plan and quick! I can do this, I've always done this. solved my own problems, came up with devious plans and improvised during tough situations. This is no different. 

If I'm alive tomorrow,

Chapter 4: Long Way Home

Friday, June 17                         6:00                 116 Tenth Av. North- Cathy's Room

Short Story made Long:
After I had thrown up, I ran to the park washroom. Bruce didn't notice since he was too busy throwing stones, and thankfully too because it wasn't a pretty sight. The park washroom isn't that far from where we'd been but on this particular day it felt like a lifelong journey. In the washroom I washed up, duh! But it wasn't one of those refreshing washes. It was painful and scarring because every few seconds I would hear Marcie scream and it wasn't one of those little girl screams- filled with laughter and joy- and it definitely wasn't a heavy metal typa scream- passionate and meaningful. Let me put it this way: If you had ever asked for a history lesson on the death of Jesus, this was the place to be. Soon, though, the screaming died down and I'm thinking, so did she. I decided, after washing up, that Id live in the washroom forever. I couldn't live with myself and I couldn't move on knowing that the girl out there getting stoned was the same one that I had buzzed off a week ago. It was just happening all too fast. 
and that's when it hit me!

I fell onto the washroom floor and prayed. It wasn't the most glorious moment of my life, I have to admit. I looked like a mess and ewww, gross, i was laying down on the washroom floor. 

But I could've cared less then. After the prayer I decided that I had to go and stop the stoning. I had to save that poor innocent soul. So I fled back to the "scene of the crime". Okay, I have to admit "fled" is a bit of an exaggeration considering that I had stopped every few seconds to think about what I was gonna do. When I got there...
I, I, I was too late. Everybody had left but Bruce and the poor dead girl. 

"Yo, where were you?" Bruce asked me, but I didn't hear him. All I could think about was the poor 17 year old who had lost everything. She wasn't even gonna get to graduate. Her skin had been grated off like cheese. Her nose had ben stoned off her face- and oh boy did she have a nice nose to start with. Her lips were missing and fear was left in her eyes.
"Maybe she hadn't lost everything" I thought as Bruce piggybacked me home. I just told him that I had to go- go pee, go pray, or go die? No difference really. He didn't need to know. 

"Maybe she hadn't lost everything" 
"Maybe she had won the battle, victorious and strong."
"Definitely Maybe".

Chapter 3: Flop Culture

Friday, June 17               5:10              Silver Shadow Park        Choking on Tears                  
The sun is shining very bright, kids are laughing, couples are giggling under the trees and police officers are chit chatting about their days while sipping on warm coffee. This is what most of us would envision as a happy day. 
But not me. 
NOT a chance. 
Today Marcie is getting stoned, in ten minutes to be exact. I'm kind of scared- for her and for me. Like I don't want her to die an' all, but what if she tells the people that I'm also christian and that it would be unfair for them not to stone me as well. 
I never used to think much of these stonings. It was actually my favourite time of the year, they were the only days that I could get my parents to get along and enjoy each others company. I guess I never really thought about what it felt as the person being stoned- or worse! I might even lose my reputation ( and I've been working on that for years). Oh no! They're about to stone her. Bruce just handed me a heavy rock to throw at her (I'll just throw it behind me or sumthin). I'm scared- what if she tells them I'm a christian? What if the people just find out on their own? What if I'm the next to be stoned? I'm only a young girl! Lord save me! (who cares about her at the moment). 

One... the people are counting down
Two... They're ready to throw
Three... I throw up

Chapter 3: Flop Culture

Friday, June 17                   5:00                     Silver Shadow Lane                   Cold

A person like me in a position like mine would be happy. They would feel like they're the top of the world. Like nobody could stand in their way. Bruce had his arm around me. Years ago, no-no, weeks ago, I would've dreamed of this moment but I didn't feel it today especially since he was walking me to the local park for Marcie's stoning. Just a week ago I didn't even want to talk to her and today I would've loved to die with her but once again, like always, pride got in the way. I didn't want to lose my friends and definitely didn't want to lose my life. So here I am with Bruce, so cold on the inside and feeling no love. Oh goodness. Oh goodness!!!

"What's the matter?" Bruce stopped walking forcing me to stop as well, which was the last thing I'd wanted right now.

"Olivia." I whispered.

"So?" Bruce was fearless. Well, obviously.

"We probably shouldn't be seen together," I tried to pull away from him but he didn't budge- he wasn't moving.

"Do you really care she has to say. She's insecure-"

"But you she-"

"She's insecure because she's ugly. And she's ugly because she's insecure." He said it loud enough for her to hear.

Lord why don't they just stone me now. I am empty, fatherless and soon to be friendless.

When she heard Bruce, she buried her face in her purse and slowly walked the opposite way of the park. I better look secure and happy because if Bruce says I'm secure, then obvs I am. Plus I look stupid writing in you ATM (at the moment). So adios for now.

Chapter 3: Flop Culture

Friday, June 17     3:00      Hawk Nelson Secondary School     School Parking lot

Most people at this time would be like, "Thank God I't's Friday" especially considering my day yesterday. But no. Actually, I am dreading today more than I hated yesterday. Why diary? Why does everyday of the week have to suck! I don't know.... am I going crazy or does my whole life suck since I started this christianity thing.
 If I were at church right now, Mark would be yelling at me for saying that. "It's not a 'christianity thing'" he'd say, "It's a way of living, Ca-thy! 


I actually don't mind getting yelled at. It actually feels good, for once, to get yelled at. I had never gotten yelled at by my parents, well at least in a long time. They kinda just let me do "whatever" (or at least that's how my dad would state it). So anyways..... Why am I dreading today?

They're having a stoning. Who? The neighbourhood kids, adults and policemen. I used to enjoy going to these things. Free food, icecream sundae bars and lots of joking and get-togethers. But not this time.

Because this time, the stoning's for...

Chapter 3: Flop Culture

11:15 pm     Out on the Street Stair WAY      Making sure not to get caught

So I told my mom that I was going over to my friend's. Normal moms who just got divorced would say no. I mean it is 11 o'clock. But my mom, as you probably already know, is not normal. So I was allowed to go out of the hotel. I kinda feel bad for leaving my mom alone to wallow in pain but I have to go church. And today's been the longest day of my life so I can't miss church today.
.....Wow, today has been really long:

First I told my teacher to shut up which got me into detention.
Then I came up with a devious plan with Lance (ewwww!!) and as I was getting out of school two very scary men threw me into a limo telling me that my parents were in court and had filed a divorce without telling me (without being the whole problem).
Then I broke down in court in front of everybody.
Then, *sniffle* you and me diary, we separated!! *gasp* *gasp*.
And!!! during this whole thing, I didn't speak up, not even once.

So here I am diary- sneaking around town hoping that I don't get caught by the police.

So where is church exactly? The sewage system on Stair WAY. Mark always makes a joke and says that it's the stairway to heaven.

I'm just going to put you down for a second, diary- just long enough to lift the lid without making a sound.

I'm In!!! I give a round of high fives to everybody there and hug a bunch of people- some I know, others I've never seen but it feels so good. Sometimes we all just need a good hug. Opps... Mark's speaking; I better listen and maybe take down a few notes:

Talk 1. Learning to Discern

-Sometimes you are not experienced in letting God lead you, and you are easily turned off the path from what seams to be common sense and good opportunities.

-Beware of misleading choices, satanic influences, and the media.

-God wants you to succeed, he will love and guide you through life.

-Our focus needs to be on what God has shown us through His scripture; not what our friends or t.v have to say.

That last point really got me. Should I hide my religion and live a lie so that I can fit in and keep up my social status? I dunno..... but what I know is that I really got to go... It's like 1 in the morning!!! Ooops! Mom's gonna kill me. Talk to ya later, with more thoughts and more news.

Mom's fast asleep, she didn't even notice
me coming in. Thank God! Really.

Chapter 2: The Nervous System

8:00 pm   My bedroom  With a completely full takeout box from Chipotle that Mom got me to make me feel better

So how did it go? GREAT!
ACCORDING TO MY MOM. So in summary my parents are now divorced. I wish it hadn't happened but it's not like I'd spoken up. I was too scared that I just let it happen and the funny thing is... that is so, so,SO not like me. But you know what diary, lately I haven't been acting like me at all. Two weeks ago, I would've totally gone out with Bruce. I would've made fun of Christians and I'd be the one tripping Marcie!! This Christianity stuff is wierd. I just wish I could figure it all out. If I knew what was going on in God's mind in that court room, well, I'd ask him a few.
Why, WHY, WHY did he let this happen? As if my life wasn't bad enough.
I wish everything didn't have to change. I wish things were back to the way they were. I love God 'n' all, but I'm just so confused. If God loves me so much, then why is my life slipping out of my hands. I need an answer. 

Like, right now.

I'm still waiting!!!