Wednesday June 23 10:00 Local Subway Station
My hand was shaking, real bad. I could barely hold my phone still. This next phone call was going to determine the rest of my life. My friends wouldn't be in it, my family wouldn't be there and I'd be all alone. I didn't know if I wanted to do this anymore so I pulled out my cell phone to call Mark- he always knew what to say.
"Hello", he picked up right away. Just as I was about to reply and ask him for help, my throat felt clogged. I couldn't speak and I knew if I attempted to do so, I'd only cry and I'm so not one to cry.
"Hello?" He spoke again. I had to answer this time but once I opened my mouth, tears poured from my eyes and I started to sob. It wasn't one of those cute little sniffly-sobs that most girls do, it was more of a wail.
"Cathy?" I had to answer him this time and luckily I managed to squeal a yes. "What's the matter? You ok?"
"I-I don't know anymore, I need help, this just isn't working for me." I sobbed more and more, feeling like an idiot every minute of it.
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the subway station. I decided to go there to call because if i randomly disappeared from home it would be more dramatic than being picked up by someone at the subway station."
"Understandable. Could you wait a few minutes? I want to tell you goodbye in person."
"Sure," I smiled. If there was anyone in the world that I'd want to say goodbye to, it would be him. The next fifteen minutes of my life were the worst. I kept trying to cry in order to release stress, but nothing was coming out. I was frozen, emotionless and depressed. I hated my life and just wanted to die. If i hadn't been so dumb in the first place maybe I'd still be happy. I missed the days where God wasn't a part of my life and everything was all fine. Fine- i guess that's a lie. Life wasn't fine. Without God, my parents would've still divorced and my friends would've still been mad about the whole Bruce-me thing. So why was it that after I became a christian everything started to feel worse? I had to get an answer because if depression is the only thing christianity brings, I wanted no part in it. So I waited the longest 15 minute wait of my life until Mark arrived and answered all my questions.