Thursday, June 16 8:35 am Hawk Nelson Secondary School Detention
Talk about sleep deprivation. I totally, shouldn't have had that sleepover yesterday. But, I definitely needed it. It reminded me that I wasn't alone on Earth. I did have friends and they would always be there for me... as long as I wasn't a christian. Why? Why were Christians hated so much? Was it because they were the ones holding the truth? Was it because they were right? I dunno, but I know that I'm waaaaay too tired to be thinking right now.
And that is how I got into detention.
I fell asleep during homeroom. Mrs. Folley should be more reasonable though. I usually fall asleep during that class anyways. It's math! Even the nerds get tired of math sometimes. But today was different, I was lacking a good night's sleep which meant that when I'd fall asleep in class today, I wouldn't wake up. Mrs. Folley called on me several times, and without thinking I told her to shut up and go kill herself. So now I'm here for the rest of the day. Exciting! Well, it would be. I mean, I usually have fun in detention because well, it means I'm not in class. Today, though, I had too much going on in my life and detention was the last thing I needed. So, have I mentioned that my mom has this divorce thing so packed down in her tiny little head that she's not listening to anyone's advice? Yeah, well if I haven't told you already, I just did. The problem with this divorce is that unlike other situations- in which I always end up solving- this one is not a no-brainer. The only answer is that well... there really isn't any satisfying love on earth. The only good love is the love from God. I know I've been complaining a lot about Christianity lately but during the hardship, I had never felt lonely or unloved.And I really can't blame my mom for hating my dad- he is using her. He has no job and she makes money. So that topic was taking up a lot of place in the "worry wart" section of my brain. And that section kept on oozing out and destroying the other sections in my brain, like the "think before you speak" section.
And then there's Bruce. I so, so ,so do not like him. Plus he's all Olivia's. Like I'm gonna be that immature about this situation. I believe that any girl who drools over a guy is not a girl at all, but half a one looking for a guy to complete her life. Plus, everybody knows that guys come in this ugly package and inside that package is a good dose of drama. And that is the LAST thing I need. But everybody's accusing me of liking him and I hate it when people accuse me. Olivia used to be one of my closest friends. We used to keep secrets from the other girls but now I feel like I'm on the outside of every inside joke. I feel lonely and cold but not confused. I know why she's changed. It's because I've changed. I don't blame her but I really miss the friendship we used to have. I remember when one of us would purposely get a detention so that they could accompany the other person in a detention because we had believed it was unfair for the other person to suffer alone. I remember when we'd have our study sessions or when we'd fight for each other. I remember in freshman year, Olivia's temper got so out of control that she ended up physically fighting this girl everyday for a week just because she had insulted me about the top I had on. They say " make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold." It should go " lose old friends, make no more.Sit there crying, let it all pour". I know I have Jesus, diary, I know but I just can't stand not having someone on Earth, physically here with me. It hurts you know. It hurts to know that you don't have anybody to turn to, nobody to hug you at night or read you a bible story. Nobody to tell you that they love you because people are so busy trying to solve their problems they have no time to appreciate the little things in their life.... like their own daughter! I miss the old life but that is now all behind me. And I am NOT looking back. So not looking back- I'm not gonna be like lot's wife. I know that what's ahead is way better than what's behind. Plus I don't have a time machine. And even if I did, I don't think I'd really want to use it. Would I really want to go change everything?
